#terrible terrible game. But hilarious LP!

[fortune-maiden]

Now that I've remembered Lunar again, I'm kinda tempted to go reread the Dragon Song LP xD

[aughtpunk]

Do you have a favourite youtuber?

That would be Supergreatfriend!

He's been doing Let's Plays since the early days (back when it was just on the Something Awful forums) and I've been following him since day one. He has a perfect dry sense of humor that that goes great with a lot of games. He does bad games, obscure games, popular games, occasionally good games (as a treat) and always makes me laugh. Once a year he does a penance stream that's him playing a terrible game from start to finish in one night.

I suggest giving his LP of Night Cry a shot! It's a terrible game but he makes it hilarious:

You can also find him on twitch at supergreatfrien. Remember, there's no D at the end because we don't want to attract Dracula.

[stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale]

I just can’t help but feel so terribly bad for Ben, he had so much potential that just went ignored, not unlike many other characters I’m attached to (cough cough Doug) (Him indirectly killing 9 people is really fucking hilarious though ngl)

Y’know, I’m really glad that there are a lot of people out there that feel the same way I do about Ben. Years ago when I first discovered the game and could only watch LP’s, everyone I watched would shit on Ben without even a second thought, they didn’t really care when he died [most were more upset about Kenny and blamed Ben for it], and it totally influenced my opinion on him. 

And then I finally had the chance to play it myself without any outside influence and I took the time to look around and interact with all the characters and see different outcomes. Ben was way more likable/relatable when I got to be in control. Like, I still got mad at him for doing certain things, but I was able to look back on it and understand where this kid is coming from. 

One of the saddest and underrated moments with Ben is right before his death when we’re in the bedroom trying to escape. If you talk to him before climbing out of the window, Lee asks him if he’s going to step up and Ben says something like, “I just want to help, Lee.” 

Ben just wanted to survive and prove his worth. He wanted to help save Clementine. He wanted to atone for helping the bandits and atone for Carley, Katjaa, and Duck’s deaths. 

Ben just wanted to be better. 

And it’s a tragedy that he, as well as many other characters [Doug 100% included, anon] never got the opportunity. 

[pharaohsparklefists]

Episode 111, part II!!!1!1!!

(enjoy recaps? be a part of the magic by joining my patreon, it is literally the only reason these recaps are able to happen and it would be absolutely amazing to hit my next patreon goal!)

Kaiba fucks off to brood, leaving the Nerd Herd to deal with...

FIVE CORPORATE EXECUTIVES ALL WEARING THEIR FRIEND’S BODY AT ONCE LIKE A HORSE COSTUME (they get to take turns being the metaphorical “front half” of the horse)

And we get to watch ANOTHER DUEL wow

The member of the Big Five who “won” Honda’s body (while still losing the duel) is pissed off that these other, slightly more losery losers are here to share his loser-prize

This wouldn’t be happening if you hadn’t made such terrible choices in literally every aspect of your adult life to this point, just sayin

Yugi bows out to Yami, and Yami’s like, sure, whatever, I’ll fight you all, bring it

And then Jou is like WAIT A MINUTE

Jou: “Five on one??” 

Big Five: “No we’re all just playing, like, as one person who keeps switching”

Jou: “Not fair, I’ll play too, then it’ll be five on TWO”

Big Five: “But then you’ll have two decks and two sets of lifepoints and we’ll only have one! If you each get 4000 LP, we should get 8000!”

Jou: “Fine!”

Yami: “Um Jounouchi? YOU’RE the handicap.”

Me:

Yami is actually pleased to duel with Jounouchi, because Yami possesses infinitely more patience than I do. Honestly, I wouldn’t duel these fuckers at ALL, but then I guess Honda would be sad...

otoh Honda is a grade-A creep, a grade-B idiot, and a grade-D cheerleader at best and how many cheerleaders do we really need for these CARD GAMES anyway....?

Actually Jounouchi is more or less on the same page as me re: Honda being barely worth saving, as he flashes back to the ahem ACTUAL PLOT and the person who’s in danger for reasons that are not her own stupid fault...

It makes total sense that Jou is thinking about Mai and I’m glad we’re making an effort to remember her, but god, splicing in the real, actually interesting plot in the middle of the Big Five bickering about their STUPID fucking virtual reality kidnapping jape just throws into sharp relief just how low-quality this filler arc is and how it’s really just coasting on the actually interesting shit from Kaiba’s backstory.

Just how low-quality am I talking?

BOOM knockoff Yami figurine and his Black Magician who IS the shape of a skinny, muscular man in a pointy hat but casts a shadow in the shape of an airplane wing for some reason

Jou chooses Flame Swordsman for his Deck Master, just to make doubly sure this rehash duel dueling the same fucking losers over again is as boringly same-y as possible. 

What about the Big Five?

oooooooof course you will (seriously why did Yami and Jou agree to this??)

So (and sorrynotsorry I do not retain any of the Big Five’s names reliably) The Artist Formerly Known As Seamonkey Fashionmodel goes first and plays Big Fuckin Wave Floods The Whole Area field magic card

He also plays Legendary Fisherman and I can’t decide if I’m annoyed they just play cards we already know, which is BORING, or if I’m relieved the terminally uncreative writing team didn’t try coming up with new cards here, because they would definitely be half-assed to hell

Then...

Okay so Seamonkey Fashionmodel has like, half a personality trait (he sometimes, but not always, alludes to historical tactics, that’s like, barely a quirk). Penguinfucker has SO MANY quirks, but lest we forget, one of them is introducing everyone by full name and age!!!

And another one is SEXISM

THIS! IS! NOT! FUN! THIS! IS! NOT! FUNNY! THIS! IS! NOT! NECESSARY! I! AM! SO! FUCKING! TIRED! OF! FINDING! NEW! WAYS! TO! COMPLAIN! ABOUT! THE! CREEPTASTIC! AND! UNNECESSTACULAR! AND! SEXISTABULOUS! FOCUS! ON! TEENAGE! GIRLS’! BREASTS! 

So this sexist creepy shithead is like “Now I will defeat YUGI MUTOU!!! and co I guess” and unexpectedly, Jounouchi snaps

... well he IS the King of Games and the reigning champion and shit, like, damn son, being overlooked is what you get for entering the same competitive sport as your incredibly gifted friend...

Jounouchi vows to defeat them, which Honda is very much in favour of. Shizuka has graciously granted him the ability to speak again (via the button on the back of his head that he never uses except accidentally?), but his speech is slipping...

This is pretty hilarious to me because they keep using “ooh” in the subtitles but actually the monkey noises he’s making are like “kiki” (Monkeys in Japanese are descibed as saying uki uki / ウキウキ  or kiki /  キキー)

Jounouchi draws Harpy Lady and Harpy’s Feather Duster and uses them to clear the field of the fucking entire ocean (look at how much water there is in that previous screenshot!!)

“Who knews that the professional duelist with the well-balanced deck would have such great cards?? These cards are way better than the random gambling cards I rely on! There’s probably a lesson here... Nah.”

Drunk on the heady overconfidence of a single decent move, Jounouchi lunges in for an attack on a face-down card

says YOU Mr Oh Look A Trap I Better Trigger It To Find Out What It Is

Sure enough, the face down card allows Penguinfucker to return Flood Everything Lol to his hand, and Jounouchi is suitably chastised...

Yami: “No fucking shit.”

Penguinfucker takes this opportunity to gloat and the writers take their own opportunity to underline that yes, Penguinfucker does know what age these teenagers are and does acknowledge that they are yet children, so all his creepery on the girls is 100% knowing. He says children like them...

idk buddy if you’re really such an intelligent adult how come you don’t have a physical form to inhabit that’s adulting 101 right there

Anyway, Yami isn’t having any of it...

whaaaaat

WHAAAAAAT

THE TENSION. SHE IS UNBELIEVABLE. IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO BELIEVE HOW TENSE THIS CARD GAME IS. DO YOU KNOW WHY?? WHY DOES OTOGI BELIEVE THAT THE TENSION IS BEYOND BELIEF??? 

because no one has lost a single fucking life point yet.

[interabangs]

Favorite TBFP/SBFP Moments

I’ll never forget when @acautiouscat introduced me to them - thank you so much for doing so! This was during their first season on Machima, and my first impression was, “They’re funny!” And I got their voice-faces mixed up with their face-faces.

I ended up really enjoying Matt and Pat’s videos, and their dynamic - they’re still my favorite duo in the channel and I think their LP chemistry is unmatched - and I have watched and/or listened to TBFP/SBFP at least once a week. I’ve re-watched some of their videos so many times I’ve lost track. 

I was so upset when I heard about their channel ending, but as it’s for the best for all of them, I completely understand why they ended it. I’m the most heartbroken over Matt and Pat’s friendship dissolving, but I’m hoping that with time and distance apart, they can eventually reconcile. 

Even if that doesn’t happen, there are so many great times they had together - along with Woolie and Liam - that I can only thank them for all the hilarious, fun, creative content they’ve put out, getting me into a few games, and though they didn’t know it, helping me get through a difficult time in my life in 2014.

Here are my favorite Two Best Friends Play/Super Best Friends Play moments throughout the years:

Random quotes

[Pat rages about the dodge move and demanding that Matt tell him what it is] Matt: Hey, look at all that Okami art on the walls! Pat: Wait really? Oh, how ‘bout that. [Launches back into badgering Matt over the dodge move] (Final Fight: Streetwise | Full LP)

Pat: Go left. Go left. Go LEEEEEEEFT. No, your other left. (I think this is from the Silent Hill: Downpour LP, but I can’t be sure). - @acautiouscat and I still say this all the time when I’m driving

Matt: Here’s another episode of Pat talking awkwardly to a girl. [He’s] about to play Bayonetta and Pat’s all like, ‘Did you know that Bayonetta runs at 60 frames per second? Did you play Xenogars?” and she like, “Ah, yeah.” (Two Best Friends Play E3 (Day 1 Montage)

Woolie: THE PHOOOOOOONE - (Indigo Prophecy)

Pat: I’M SO FUCKING BUTTHURT OVER THESE FUCKING CHOMP-CHOMPS!... THEY’RE ALWAYS DEAD CENTER IN THE FUCKING THING! (Super Best Friends Brawl: Mario Kart)

Pat: No, no Matt! We’re friends! We’re best friends! Matt: There’s not a single thing you’ve ever done for me. Pat: I think I bought you movie tickets once! - (Worms 2: Armaggedon)

Pat: So I’m gonna tell that story we were talking about... and you asked me to not scream at you for bad ghost controls anymore. Matt: It would be nice... that you could not scream at me in a game where the walls have no boundaries and I’ve never played it before. Pat: So it’s a little combination of... picking up the Spawn controller, or just where I’m getting mad at you and then I realized what’s happening - those game controls are terrible! Matt: They could be better. Pat: And you also forgot that I apologized to you. In the same sitting! Matt: After me - it’s very rare, but it happens and I appreciate that. Pat: I’m sorry. I’m sorry you’re bad. Woolie: A little reminiscent of when I got bitched out for bad ghost controls in another game. Pat: Yeah, you know what? You don’t... no. No. That was atrocious. (Con Bravo 2014)

Pat: It’s fiiiiiine, it’s fine, it’s fine.

[Matt dies laughing over Scientist Heather] Pat: Yeah, I knew you’d like that. (Silent Hill 3)

[Matt sings “Some Kind of Monster”] Matt: You’re gonna look up all the titles, aren’t you? Pat’s picking up his phone so he can look up all the titles and make fun of them. I’m not gonna stop him. Pat: You fucking knew so good. (Silent Hill 3)

Pat: As a Jedi, Obi-Wan and Quan Chi.... [Matt has to pause the screen because they’re laughing so hard it’s almost silent] Matt: My glasses are fogging up (Ride to Hell: Retribution)

Matt: You okay, d’you hit yourself? Pat: Oh, no, it’s just... that’s a lot of big scares today. (Home Sweet Home 3/3)

[Liam correctly answers an NPC’s question and Matt is impressed] Matt: If I asked Pat, he’d just be like DUHHHH TANK CONTROLS!!! (Pat misses tank controls 04:57)

Pat: No, I’m gonna make this decision and I’m gonna choose... Beyond. ‘Cause fuck that guy. Matt: Yeah, give up. Woolie: Yeah, YEAH, YEAH! (Beyond: Two Souls)

Matt: PREGGO JOHN THE IMMORTAL HEDGEHOG (Sonic Dreams)

Matt: Well, after months and months of begging and crying, I said, “Fine guys. We’ll play ‘The Punisher.’” Pat: Yeah, that’s how that happened. Matt: That’s how that happened! Pat: Yeah, I came to you, and I said, “Matt, I’ll suck your dick if you do a Punisher game with me,” and you were like, ‘No.” Matt: I said, “I’ll do that anyway. Pat: Yeah. Wait, what? Matt: Woolie’s here! Woolie: Pleading was involved. Pat: Pleading was involved. (The Punisher)

Matt: Well... At least we have each other. Pat: Oh, shut up!

Machinima videos:

CLEMENTINE IS A BEAST! (Telltale’s Walking Dead Season 2)

Skyrim

Star Trek

Scribblenauts Wii U

Pokemon Snap

Persona 4:

Pat: I LOVE YOU, KENPACHI RAMASAMA! 

Pat: Kenpachi Ramasama, how can you be so flippant, yet so desirable?

Matt: See ya later, fuckers! 

Matt: We’ve been saying ‘See ya later, fuckers,” a lot. Pat: It’s a very versatile phrase.

F.3.A.R

Slender

Amnesia: The Dark Descent (This was clearly pre-planned but it’s still hilarious watching Matt dismiss everything and Pat getting so irritated he leaves, then Matt starts getting scared and jumps everywhere until Pat scares him.)

TBFP/SBFP videos and LPs

Animations:

PlagueofGripes’ animation of Two Best Friends Play Man Vs. Wild

Super Best Friends Animated - Wakka’s Revenge

Super Best Friendcast - Pat gets burned

Super Best Friends Play Dark Souls 3 - Lucky Ted

DON’T FUCK WITH MY FUCKIN’ FOOD

Tour Guide Nixon

Super Best Friendcast:

Compliments

Woolie Hates Breakfast

The Gameboy had good games!

Skits:

Friday Night Fisticuffs Intros

Arts and Crafts with Liam and Matt

Best Friends Zaibatsu Halloween Murder Mystery Spooktacular!

Super Best Fashion - Zaibatsu Style! - AAAAAAAVANTE GAAARDE!

Fan Edits:

Skeleton Warriors Remix

Navi Pat in his Dark Souls 2 LP with Woolie

Resident Evil 4 - Pat and the Safety Dance

Super Best Friends Play: Heavy Rain - Woolie claims another victim

Matt won’t shut up about Face/Off

LPs:

Super Best Friends Play D4

Rustlemania 2: SuperBrawl Saturday III - Best Friends All-Star Royal Rumble Invitational

Far Cry 4 CO-OP STUPIDITY

Silent Hill: Shattered Memories short - Matt taking a lot of time coloring (IIRC, this joke came from Woolie)

Woolie and Liam play Final Fantasy VIII - TRIPLE TRIIIAD!!!

Resident Evil 7

Until Dawn and Matt saving everyone at the end

Shitstorm of Scariness

Matt and Pat getting scared by the fishman in Call of Cthulhu

Matt and Pat’s British accents in Haunting Ground (I still wish they had done a full LP of this game - it’s really good!)

Their WTF reaction to seeing the head in a dryer in Killer 7

All the BAT TE REYS in One Late Night

The ending of Five Nights at Freddy’s

Liam getting so scared he throws Pat’s mouse at the end of the White Day video

Matt and Pat see a monster in the bathroom in Home Sweet Home

Pat getting so scared he keeps standing up on tables in Anatomy

Pat: All the monsters in the house say whaaat - Matt and Pat scream in The Council of Hanwell

Telltale’s The Walking Dead Game (Season One)

Salty Kenny

the Shame Car

"It's unpatchable," 

Matt’s hatred of Duck

“Hey, Ben. See ya.”

Matt struggling to decide who gets to eat, then stops in the middle of the game and yells, “Fuck!”

Pat crying during the ending while Matt talks about Ratatouille

Deadly Premonition LP

Pat’s vendetta against Quint (”No, no, no.... Yes.”)

“So says Mr. Stewart” rhymes

Woolie the Liar Stole My Pie

Pat: Oh, shit, I’m stinky!

“___’s goin’ nutz” 

“There’s no time” 

“He’s yukkin’ it up” 

Pat’s reaction to a boss, and their reaction to the final boss getting defeated

Heavy Rain LP

Matt voicing Ethan: Ohhhhhhhh, Good, my life is so coool

Pat: POWER STRUGGLE with your nine-year-old son!

Pat’s Robot Ethan impression

Pat reminiscing over Flintstones vitamins

Matt: These prompts are easy, though

Pat imitating Shelby: Uh, I didn’t like it. So, I burned it.

Matt: I learned a lot about myself, and I learned a lot about Madison. 

Matt: I know, but he’s old too, AND HE’S GOT ASTHMA, FOR FUCK’S SAKE! This game is the dumbest!

Super Best Friends Suffer Through Omikron: The Nomad Soul

Woolie and Pat have a screaming match over opening a door and ignoring Matt as he jumps around (x)

Pat: Woolie, I’m staring off into fuckin’ space, like a dead man. Matt: Like how Woolie was when I came here today. Pat: Yeah, so Matt came in... And I was asleep in the other room while Woolie was in here eating a bagel? And just staring at the wall unblinking. Matt: And I went, “This is good.” Pat: This is what we want. Matt: This is some good energy. (x)

Pat: You’re not even touching [the sword]! Matt: Oh, he picked it up with his fucking wrist WHY IS HE HOLDING IT LIKE THAT?? OH MY GOD!! [Pat loses it] IT’S JUST A BASIC ANIMATION, SPEND MORE THAN TWO MINUTES ON IT! (x)

Silent Hill Downpour: Matt throws the fire axe - still my #1 favorite moment in the entire channel. I think it always will be and I think it’s the most definitive moment on the channel.

Pat Now, I’m no expert at Silent Hill or anything

Matt: No, you’re not

Pat: Shut up! I’m the expertest at Silent Hill... Ask me anything about Silent Hill

Matt: How did I find the flashlight and you didn’t? (Part 1)

Pat: [reading an article] THE TRAIN GUY WAS DRUNK! (Matt loses it)

Pat: It’s not a nagitana!

Pat: Why? [reads the subtitle in the loading screen] WHY ARE YOU LYING???

[After Matt throws the fire axe and gets jumped by a monster, he runs inside] Matt: Oh, God! Pat: (Cracking up) We’re off to a rollickin’ good start.

[hippomanblog]

My Fire Emblem Rankings

I’ve had a few questions about my legitimate Fire Emblem opinions and thoughts, so I figured I’d write this up while I’m waiting for some things to process. This is all just personal opinion, no shade is meant to be being thrown, and this probably won’t interest you too much.  But, hey, here it is.  I’ll list the Fire Emblems going from favorite to least favorite, and explain a little bit about why I feel that way. Note that I won’t be including 1-5.  I’m considering the remakes the “definitive” versions of 1/2/3, and I haven’t actually played the Jugdral games.  I’m also not counting Heroes because it’s kinda hard to “judge”, but I do like it a lot and play on a pretty regular basis. THIS POST WILL CONTAIN SPOILERS FOR EACH GAME!

#1. Awakening

Awakening is a game that gets a few things wrong but most things right.  What don’t I like about it?  I preferred the art style of the Tellius games.  The maps aren’t very creative.  Pair Up is a thematically cool mechanic that really doesn’t hold up to scrutiny and trivializes many encounters.  The story is simple, with the exception of a couple twists, and Validar is a dull villain. I like pretty much everything else.  Awakening managed to be accessible to new fans and still provide a nice challenge for series veterans.  There’s a diverse selection of characters who are all pretty viable, meaning you can use your favorites.  Most characters have a lot of personality and depth to their lines, like with how they turned Frederick from a typical stoic Jagen-type into this goofy obsessive pyromaniac without making him a complete joke character.   The SpotPass characters are also a lovely addition if you adore the series like I do, and there’s just so much to do in this game, so it feels like a celebration of the franchise as a whole.  If I’m trying to get someone into Fire Emblem, I will tell them to play Awakening. Favorite Character: Gregor or Owain. Least Favorite Character: Yarne #2. New Mystery Of The Emblem

This is bias, yes, but I love New Mystery.  I was really excited for this game, because I was pretty new to the fanbase when it was announced, and couldn’t wait for an English release.  I waited, and waited, and waited, and... Once I finished playing my JP copy I just lamented that we didn’t get to play this game here.  I think that while Awakening reinvents Fire Emblem, New Mystery is sort of the pinnacle of “classic” FE.  The game is just fun, the maps are diverse and challenging, and the combination of reclass and the sheer amount of playable characters gives it immense replay value. The plot is nothing to really write home about, but after the vast wasteland of Shadow Dragon Plot, I really liked what was there.  It’s nothing that’ll blow your mind, but there are some nice moments.  I know a lot of people hate Kris, but I don’t mind them.  I won’t go to bat for them being any kind of great character or vital addition to the story, but as a sounding board to give other Archanea characters a little personality, and a way to customize your own unit and give them all sorts of terrible hats, they work just fine.  I also like the idea of Marth as a bit of a shell-shocked, reluctant king who relies on his friends to rise to greatness.  It prevents him from being “too perfect”, like RD Ike.  But I can see where people have problems with this. I wish this were a more accessible entry in the series, because I think it has a little bit of something for every Fire Emblem fan. Favorite Character: Honestly?  I like Caeda and Ogma, they’re cool people. Least Favorite Character: matthis is creepy and I hate him 3. Blazing Sword

Like a lot of people, Blazing Sword was my first exposure to the series (through an LP on Youtube for me), and it does a great job.  You could honestly probably swap these first three around in any order, to be frank. The balance in this one is a little wonky, and it goes on a little too long.  But I like what it does with its extra time.  You get some clever gaidens that mix up the formula, have room to use lots of units, and the sprite animations are just wonderful to watch.  The three lords all bring something to the table, even though you’re honestly probably just going to play Hector Mode once you’ve unlocked it.  Lyn has a story about claiming your birthright and using nobility to help people, Hector’s brash and boorish nature is offset as he learns how to be a better person on his journey (That scene with Matthew on the Dread Isle is great.), and Eliwood...exists. With maps ranging from cramped and objective based to sprawling battlefields, there’s a lot of variety in gameplay and room for different units to shine.  It’s also got some of the best supports in the series.  It’s a must-play for any Fire Emblem fan. Favorite: Hector is a good boy and a friend.  Legault is also a surprisingly involved side-character with some great lines and dialogue with almost every Morph in the final map! Least Favorite: Jaffar, because it’s hard to tell if I hate him more for killing Leila or ramming his face into the paladin in Battle Before Dawn and getting slaughtered so many times.

4. Path Of Radiance

I guess only the top 3 are getting thumbnails, sorry.  PoR sticks with me because it tries a lot of new things and most of them work out.  The bonus experience is a good system, I think this game does support unlocks better than any other, Laguz units are fun to use, and the conversion to pseudo-3D maps feels smooth and never gets in the way of gameplay. There are issues, though.  I’m not a fan of the way the full-body portraits look in the cutscenes of this game, biorhythm is silly, and that Bridge Map sure does Exist.  The reason this isn’t breaking Top 3, though, is that I just never really got attached to the cast.  Characters are a big part of Fire Emblem for me, and while there are some great ones in PoR, there are also several that feel very forgettable.  The plot is also a little...iffy, because it’s all FANTASY RACISM and it feels like it’s trying to punch above its pay grade sometimes.  Like, be honest, did you give a shit that you had to kill Jill’s dad?  That character who showed up maybe once?  The maps also tend to blend together, with a few notable exceptions (because they’re annoying, mostly).   In Minor Nitpick Town, the 3D cutscenes are hilariously goofy and the Trial characters have really awful unlock conditions. Still, PoR is a very solid entry and I’d give it a hearty recommendation. Favorite: Ranulf, probably. Least Favorite: makalov shouldn’t have been recruitable

5. Sacred Stones I balked a little at putting this one this low, like “Really?  This is FIFTH?”  But I guess that’s just a testament to how much I enjoy all these games.  Like with the top three, you could probably swap this with PoR. Sacred Stones gets a lot of shit for being “too easy”, and I don’t think that’s necessarily wrong, but I also don’t think it’s that big a deal.  This game takes risks, but they’re good risks that frequently pay off.  This was the ideal game for the Trainee classes to come in, because you can actually feasibly use them!  The monsters add variation to the types of enemies you encounter!  Split promotions are interesting tactical decisions that give the player more control over their personal experience! There’s just...not a ton of substance to SS, though.  The monsters, at heart, aren’t really interesting to fight.  The game’s plot often feels like it’s on fast forward, and it ends before any real tension builds.  The villains are, with the exception of Lyon, who’s great, mostly just cardboard cutouts of bad guy stereotypes.  The postgame is mostly just grindy and once you’ve beaten the Tower or Ruins once, you’ll probably say “okay, I’m done!”  Well, you aren’t, not if you want 100%!  Get back in there and kill more Dracozombies to unlock your underleveled Druid! If you really crave that “challenge” as an essential part of your FE experience, although I think SS is often made out to be easier than it really is, you can probably skip it.  But for most fans, it’s not to be passed up. Favorite: L’Arachel, of course. Least Favorite: I usually forget Syrene is in the game until she appears. 6. Fates: Conquest Yes, I’m dividing Fates into three games.  Sue me.  Conquest feels like the best of the Fates routes, because it’s creative.  In... a lot of ways.  The maps are creative.  While some just amount to gimmicks, several are, in my opinion, series standouts.  Chapter 9 is a Defense map that actually feels like a Defense map.  You’ve got anti-siege weapons, you’re scrambling to keep the Hoshidans from flooding in, and when Takumi drains the water the whole dynamic of the map suddenly changes.  It rules.  To me, that map encompasses all the best parts of Conquest. It’s too bad it’s still in Fates, though.  Let’s get it out of the way: Plot Bad.  But, unique to Conquest, I think, is a plot so utterly ridiculous and convoluted that it actually becomes actively enjoyable.  This is a story where your cousin puts on a different colored costume to COMPLETELY FOOL your adoptive dad, who she reveals is actually a jelly monster, but cannot tell anyone else because of a terrible curse inflicted by the King Of The Jelly Monsters, so you organize an invasion of an entire country to unmask Jelly Dad by making him sit on the Super Special Chair that will reveal his gelatinous form.  I love it, to be honest. Otherwise my issues are mostly just the standard Fates Problems.  The game tries to take what worked in Awakening and amp it up to 11, which ruins most of it.  The child characters are unmemorable and the plot explanation is bafflingly nonsensical (BABY DIMENSIONS), the characters often feel like they’re just gimmicks that smash into eachother and then get married for some reason, and the game tries to be so many things at once that most of them feel half-assed or over-complicated. Jelly King Dad though. Favorite: Arthur cracks me up. Least Favorite: Peri Peri Peri peri peri p e r i   p  e  r  i 7. Echoes: Shadows Of Valentia

Confession time.  I still haven’t finished this one all the way.  I’ve seen the ending, though. Let’s get the problems out of the way first.  The gameplay is not very fun.  The map design delights in sticking you in poisonous swamps, slow and dreary deserts, or Nuibaba’s Abode, which I would personally say is the worst map in the series.  While some of Awakening and Birthright’s maps feel lazy, most maps in this game feel like they were designed either just to frustrate you or with a series of random dice rolls that somehow plant a single Cavalier at the ass-end of nowhere and extend the map for three turns with zero rhyme or reason.  Class balance is all over the place and you basically just want all the Dread Fighters possible, with a Cleric to summon more Dread Fighters.  The dungeon crawling doesn’t add much, most of the game mechanics go woefully underexplained, and the voiced supports feel minimalist and shallow. But when Echoes works?  It really, really works.  I don’t like playing it, but watching someone play Echoes is a treat.  The game is bursting with personality thanks to some phenomenal voice acting, which leaves the story with some unforgettable moments, both comic (the boey scream) and dramatic (Berkut Loses His Shit).  Even though the characters don’t have a lot of explicit backstory, their voices and conversations are so expressive that it’s easy to sort of form your own ideas about their personalities and lives.  The art is some of the best in the series, and each portrait is expressive and well done.  It’s clear that this remake had a lot of care put into it, and it produced some of the series best lords and a wonderful new villain in the sinister Berkut. 8. Radiant Dawn

A lot of good things from Path Of Radiance carry over to Radiant Dawn.  Namely, the stuff I mentioned earlier, I won’t go into it all again.  All of that is good, but the new additions and changes often don’t work. The multiple viewpoints has a few cool moments, like facing down Ike and friends in 3-13 (with the greatest faceless NPC of all time on your side), but often just contributes to making the game way too long and making the characters often appear outright stupid or contradictory for the sake of moving the plot along.  Remember when Micaiah, who spared one of the most vile people in FE history in Part 1, dumped flaming oil on a 13 year old girl and her guards in Part 3?  Remember when Ranulf just walks up and tells you who the Black Knight is, ending a mystery that had been developed since the previous game with the dialogue equivalent of showing you a spoiler on the internet?  Remember blood pacts? The massive split in characters also makes some of them completely worthless.  Never forget the sad case of Vika, who suddenly disappears and doesn’t return until almost the final chapter, still at her Part 1 level.  Yikes. I do enjoy the Finale maps a lot, however, and the final boss encounter is fairly memorable, though it does carry its own problem with Ike being basically hero worshipped by the entire cast, to the point where only he can strike down Ashera.  I like Ike, but RD kind of feels like it’s forcing him down your throat sometimes. Favorite: Out of the new characters, Nolan, probably? Least Favorite: surprise it’s still makalov 9. Shadow Dragon I’m sure this is bottoming out a lot of people’s lists, but let me make my case. 1. Reclass is cool and they introduced it in this.

2. Hardin’s turban.

3. The Prologue, where IS got to make new stuff, is a lot of fun and has personality.

4.

Okay, so Shadow Dragon is disappointing.  It’s a remake that did not change enough, and if the FE games were yogurt flavors, Shadow Dragon would be the batch they just forgot to put flavoring in.  Everything, down to the graphics, is covered in this thin veneer of blandness, and it’s sort of a muddy march to the finale, so you can finally take down a villain who literally gets about four lines in the whole game. The Gaiden chapters also feel like a rude prank.  If you want to get at the fun maps with the interesting characters with good dialogue, you have to slaughter all of your friends on purpose!  At least it’s in Shadow Dragon so you probably won’t like most of them anyway! Favorite: The guy who calls Gordin “Gaggles”. Least Favorite: surprise it’s still makalovmatthis 10. Binding Blade I admit that this is bizarre placement.  I just...don’t like Binding Blade.  It’s mostly due to stat distribution in gameplay, honestly.  The skill/luck formula in this one results in a lot of boss fights that are just two 40% characters whiffing on eachother for ages.  Several of the maps are giant slogs, especially 14, but I don’t remember any in particular that I really enjoyed.  The plot is okay, but not memorable.  Idunn is a bit of a letdown encounter.  Hector deserved better.  To summarize, I guess I just don’t think this is a game that does anything that Blazing Sword didn’t do better.  So I’m gonna play that one instead. Favorite: Bors because of a terrible stupid inside joke I have with a friend. Least Favorite: I don’t remember anyone I cared enough to dislike, really.  Let’s go with Cath for having the worst recruitment for a Worse Chad. 11. Fates: Birthright Remember all those cool things Conquest did?  What if they didn’t? Birthright! While the story is still bad, it’s not nearly as funny-bad, although I do have to give props to the scene where Flora sets herself on fire and Jakob spends about a solid minute screaming out how pointless this is, echoing the player’s thoughts perfectly.  The maps are mostly just stat-checks and open fields, and the answer to your problems often isn’t “make a better plan”, it’s “go grind a bit and then just roll through it”, especially on some late-game maps.  Iago’s comes to mind, with the whole Entrap into Berzerker combo?  Screw that. Favorite: Azama is a treasure.  On the NPC (in this route) side, Elise is a beacon of rationality and kindness.  I sure hope nothing happens to h-Oh. Least Favorite: I remember literally nothing about the personalities of Hana and Hinata so them, I guess.

12. Fates: Revelations Do you remember when I said Shadow Dragon was like unflavored yogurt?  What if all the flavorings got mixed into one batch?  And then you add chocolate and cherries and sprinkles and nuts and caramel and parsley and cinnamon and more cherries and shaved ice and spaghetti and then you tell it to explain the plot of Fates.  That’ll be 20 dollars. Revelations actively harms the other two routes of the game by being the obvious “true route”, where nobody has to get hurt (except the best characters, r.i.p. Scarlet and Izana) and everything turns out just fine, negating any sort of moral ambiguity present!  Anankos is a non-entity and a dull villain, and to add insult to injury, you don’t get to learn shit about him unless you buy the other DLC for this DLC that also decides to crib from Awakening and mess with some of the characters from that one.  Almost every map has a bizarre gimmick that’s just weirdly cumbersome, and the amount of plot twists the game shoves at you in an attempt to explain EVERYTHING is just exhausting.  You can play as any character in the Fates package (almost, double r.i.p. Izana) but the balance is tossed out the window to the point where once Niles and Odin come crawling in, they’re nigh-unusable in their joining chapter. It doesn’t feel like any part of it really comes together. Favorite: not this Least Favorite: Thinking about what else I could have bought with those 20 dollars. Well, that took about two hours, but this is my list.  If you have any questions, I’m open.  Sorry if I dissed your favorite, but if it helps, know that I can see why someone would enjoy any game in the series, even my least favorites.  Also, know that I’m an idiot on the internet and that my opinion doesn’t have to impact what you enjoy!  Just love the games you love, I’ll stick with mine, and we’re cool! I’m going to stop typing now.

[hellsbellschime]

3x07 Lucien is the best thing to have happened to the Originals. They should keep him! He is all that Klaus should be in his own show. He is also such a terrible kidnapper. Holding Cami in a penthouse with fancy clothes, nice food and the chance to get the best hair styling she ever had in the show lol...he also says to his minion to kill Cami if he doesn't return but in that case to do it quickly and not ask for her final words because he will be there through the weekend haha I JUST LOVE HIM!!

Where is the lie though. Cami has the worst dialogues in the show. Full of exposition and terminology. No one speaks like that. And what is worse is that she has that weird dialogue with the words that make everyone sigh and all that to speak nothing but nonsense. It is annoying and extremely tiresome to the point of exhaustion. I find many times not be able to follow through all her speeches because I space out. She is also preaching and is such a hypocrite but also an idiot. Bad combination.

Jackson might be boring but is the voice of reason. Hayley has no place in that Mikaelson drama and yet she insists on getting in the middle of it for no reason. She is not a Mikaelson and she has a child to take care of. The Mikaelson wars are not safe for outsiders like herself despite her weird mentality that she is part of that family. She isn't. They have 1000 years in the backs. They have their own obsessions and enemies and they can't be killed. She can. On the other hand what amuses -

- me is that Hayley is also fast to blame others for her actions. She will quickly betray anyone if it is convenient for her and she will quickly denounce the Mikaelsons if she feels like it. You can't have your cake and eat it too. It's all fun and games when she plays badass and the Mikaelson but when the stakes are turned against her then the Mikaelsons are to blame for her and or Hope being in any mess and danger when she is likes to pretend that she is more than she is and can handle it.

1 year? That prophecy had one year timeline. OMG! I take it back. It is not just Cami. They are all idiots. TVD Klaus would have solved that freaking mess before it even got out of hand. Some bloodbath, some leverage. Glorious murder. He would have daggered his siblings for at least a year and would have lay low and wait out the timeline of the prophecy. Even hide and leave New Orleans without leaving any trace behind. But TO Klaus is a moron just everyone else in that show. But you know they -

- must stay in NOLA for reasons. They must be neutered for reasons. And in TVD the MF gang had plot armor because it was their show here it makes no sense. And the writers don't even bother to sit down and think if what they write makes any sense at least where common sense and basic logic should apply. The result is having a bunch of idiots running around like headless chicken and somehow the fans must go with it without asking any questions. Who writes that stuff?

Aurora is completely bonkers. I quite like it.

So if you dagger an Original he falls? That is the terrifying prophecy? Getting their beauty sleep? Oh come on now. This show is so anticlimactic.

And Cami keeps advertising to everyone that they shouldn't hurt them because Klaus likes her and will hurt them if they hurt her. You go girl! Now that you are at also were a neon sign asking people to kill you to get back at Klaus. Broadcast it too such smart girl you are!

LOL sooooooo anticlimactic. And I used to feel bad for LP because she had so much exposition to babble out each episode and it’s so hard to remember that stuff or make it sound remotely natural. And yes, it will never not be hilarious that every character in the show has to ignore every obvious solution to their problem in order for there to even be a problem.

[kainissoable]

Because this already long post absolutely needed to be longer by me adding my tuppence worth in, sorry Luke, but I’m with OP here. BO2 has a special place in my heart thanks to Umah Bisexual Awakening, but objectively it’s bloody awful. (Side note: the lip synch is terrible in English too and Shakespearean voice actors can’t save the dialogue. From what I’ve seen of the French version, you’re not getting a worse deal here)

While I agree that the only way to really enjoy BO2 is to read it as a parody of those Very Masculine games that end up unintentionally hilariously camp and gay, I think in reality it’s completely serious and just the apotheosis of this phenomenon. But I don’t think its many and glaring flaws make it without merit even when it’s played straight (ha!).

BO2 introduced a lot of really interesting ideas: the Seer as a half Hylden, half Vampire who was apparently neutral in the conflict and has a History with Vorador; the concept of the Eternal Prison; moral questions of siding with apex predators under crushing Victorian style capitalism; interest in one’s own people versus the good of the world; and so on. The problem is that every single idea was handled in the stupidest way possible and I hate it because it could have been good, dammit.

But for anyone reading this who wants to appreciate BO2, here’s a few ways to engage with it to get a better experience out of it:

Find a decent LP. Don’t play it yourself and it’s already 100% less awful because you’re not dealing with the bloody never ending fights

Wait a few months before thinking about it and you’ll have forgotten some of the hours of padding and the most painful writing choices

Follow Luke’s example and read it as satire of parody

Work under the assumption that every vampire you meet is one of Kain’s exes

Like my uncle, refuse to believe that this is anything but a PS1 game ans suddenly it’s not so miserably ugly

Experience it through the lens of your favourite controlled substance

Just listen to us talk about it and never play it for yourself. You might end up more confused, but the game you make in your head will probably be more fun

Blood Omen 2 Review

Hey everyone!

I know it's been a while since my last post, but Taonpest and I were busy finishing our Legacy of Kain Marathon with Blood Omen 2. And I've beaten Blood Omen 2, hell, I've COMPLETED IT by drinking every single character's blood and opening every chest from every chapter! And to anyone who wants to make a LoK marathon, do yourself a favor and skip this game. There's nothing for it.

When I started playing BO2, I thought it was fine. I thought it was one of the most basic action game you would find on PS2 and I was fine with this. But that impression of low-budget yearly action game soon dissipated and became motoneous, frustrating and overall boring. Just to make things clear, I played the PS2 version of the game which is apparently considered the worst port of that game. And you wouldn't know how overjoyed I was when I read that.

One thing that strikes the eye is the graphics. They're okay for a 2002 PS2 game, but, the atmosphere, the aesthetic. There's nothing LoK about it. I know it's technically supposed to be a transition between Blood Omen and Soul Reaver, but to me, it looked more like a WarHammer Fantasy look-alike. The characters are...what they are. Kain and his massive man-tits looks pretty okay, but Vorador looks like an estranged cousin of Shrek who decided to live in the sewers instead of the swamps. Janos looks good. Another thing that sort of annoyed me were the FMV cutscenes. Soul Reaver and its sequel had beautiful FMVs that set the tone of the game and hyped you up. Unlike Soul Reaver, BO2's FMVs were made with the in-game models which makes some shots absolutely ridiculous. Once again, I like to think this is a budget stuff that happened.

Then, there's the actual game and story. Gee, I wonder what the plot could be this time. Oh? It's another revenge story, what a surprise. No surprise here, the story is not only barely existant, but somehow, even the dialogues are actually terrible. All that poesy and Shakespearian-talk from the previous entries? Gone. And it tries so hard to be serious that it's actually hilarious.

The actual gameplay can go fuck itself. The fighting mechanics especially are the biggest pain in the ass. It's clunky and unresponsive and most annoying of all repeating way too much. Every single fight (with the exception of some bosses) are down to the exact same method. You parry 3 to 5 attacks, dodge, attack, knock your enemy down, wait for him to recover, rince and repeat. So imagine spending hours doing the exact same thing with boring puzzles and frustrating platform sequences. I did like the Eternal Prison however with its claustrophobic approach that kinda reminded me of Resident Evil. And then Magnus came in, and what could have lead to a Nemesis-like encounter just fell flat because the AI in this game is as dumb as a brick, which means there are no actual consequences for you to mess around with Magnus. This leads to the boss fights, and if you've played any Legacy of Kain game then you won't be surprised when I tell you that they suck. If Soul Reaver's bosses are on the same level as Crash Bandicoot then Blood Omen 2 is Wrath of Cortex. They are that bad.

I guess I should also mention the sound. Just so you know we played the game in French. Jean Barney and Benoît Allemane reprised their respective roles from the previous Soul Reaver installments (Vorador and Janos for Barney and Kain for Allemane) and it's great to hear them again. We also get VAs new to the franchise like the amazing Phillipe Dumond (voice-over actor of Keith David in French) as the Sarafan Lord and basicaly almost every male NPC from the game.

Unlike SR1 & 2 however, I thought the French Dub to be very hit or miss, making the poor dialogue looking even more dumber than it already is. I like to think this because of direction issues (voice acting for video games in France is very different than in the U.S or Japan) because you couldn't sound as deadpan and monotone as Uma. Maybe this is an adaptation choice? I don't know, but this makes her death scene almost funny to watch. Allemane is playing his dialogue in his usual Kain-fashion (though slightly less "jovial") but some of his lines sound wrong. And then, there is the actor that actually outshines Benoît Allemane: Phillipe Dumond. This man is 90% of the game's dialogue and each time, he delivers especially as the Sarafan Lord. There's also something weird around the end of the game where Vorador changes voice actors in the same cutscene or even mid-sentence. I think the voice-acting for this game was rushed.

That's all I'll say about Blood Omen 2. This game made me feel empty. It actually made me wish I played games I don't like because I think the problem comes from me and not the games themselves.

Blood Omen 2 is a 3/10/. Stay out of its net, brethrens.

P.S: I wish I could stream games, but I don't have the setting nor the actual physical place to do it.

[diamonddeposits]

BEST TRACKS OF 2017-ARTISTS LIST #11

JARED SALTIEL

Multi-instrumentalist and singer-songwriter Jared Saltiel offers up striking tunes that are reminiscent of deliciously detailed short fiction. In February of 2018 he will be using his latest LP titled Out Of Clay, a concept album that serves as a travel guide to an imaginary landscape with colourful characters that is a follow up to 2014′s The Light Within. His list is  mix of both contemporary folk and billboard pop. Enjoy!

01. Bedouine - Solitary Daughter

This is probably my favorite record of the year. I'm a huge fan of Spacebomb Records, based in Richmond. I think what Spacebomb has figured out is that "timelessness" is not just about a retro aesthetic, it's about the quality of the songwriting, arranging and production. I'm not sure if this is my favorite song on the album, but it's the one that woke me from the cozy slumber of the album's chill aesthetic and made me realize I was listening to a truly great singer-songwriter.

02. Seasonal Beast - Dry Bones

Disclaimer: these are my friends. Yuval, the lead songwriter, plays keyboard in my band. But Seasonal Beast is easily my favorite rock band in NYC. "Dry Bones" isn't representative of their layered, spacey pop-rock sound, but I think it's the best song on the record. I'm a strings guy, and I absolutely love this arrangement, especially in the way it's seamlessly blended with the droning synths and textures. And then there's the song itself, which is just a perfect composition, in that sad, beautiful, autumnal sort of way.

03. Kendrick Lamar - FEEL.

This album came out at the perfect time, soon after the election, when a cloud of clinical depression was settling over (half of) the country. I love that this song is called "FEEL." Kendrick probably knows that a lot of people are, in fact, praying for him, but he's such an expert at channeling his emotional realities and making them compelling, so the song title comes across like a deliberate gesture to recognize that feelings are not facts, but they matter more. I love the clave cross-stick pattern in the beat, it's like equal parts hip-hop and bossa nova.

04. Ryuichi Sakamoto - andata

I discovered Ryuichi Sakamoto some time late last year, and he immediately entered my top ten. His film scores have a melancholic quality which completely overwhelms me, yet the music is totally accessible. And then he has a whole discography of experimental electronic music, which I've been slowly working my way through. This song "andata" seems to come from both worlds: it's a beautiful, straightforward theme that could easily have been written by Ennio Morricone in 1968, which is then layered with electronic textures. Interestingly, the real emotional weight comes from the electronic elements more than than the central piano theme.

05. Sondre Lerche - I'm Always Watching You

Pleasure is easily my favorite Sondre Lerche album. It has the same super-creative production approach as Please, but I think the songwriting is stronger. I love how the record employs an 80s sound a la Pet Shop Boys, but colors the party vibe with deeply sad and personal lyrics. The whole album feels extremely unstable, like the hedonism and self-discovery could slip out of control at any moment and land in despair. This song does the album's thing so well - it's a fun single, catchy and upbeat, but when you listen to the lyrics you pick up on the emotional vulnerability and comically disturbing subject matter.

06. Katy Perry - Chained to the Rhythm

Look, except for maybe "Teenage Dream" I never voluntarily listened to any Katy Perry song until this one. The song is completely ridiculous, and has a number of objectively terrible lyrics. But there's something about the second chord in the progression (the minor ii chord) that I'm absolutely obsessed with. That chord change brings me so much joy that I'm willing to listen to Katy riff ludicrously on the line "Like a wasted zombie!"

07. Thundercat - Tokyo

Drunk is such an insane album, it's hard to pick a favorite song. I think "Tokyo" is my favorite, if just because it's such a perfect example of Thundercat's particular aesthetic of Futuristic Funk By A Total Nerd Who's Also Legitimately Cool. Love the impassive delivery of the ridiculous lyrics, the keyboards that seem to deliberately channel video game music, the way he harmonizes the bass line. I saw him live in Brooklyn, and when he played this song he made it clear that all of the lyrics are completely factual, including the part about trying to get a girl pregnant.

08. Laura Marling - Nouel

The new Laura Marling album has super cool Blake Mills production, which I really enjoy. But she's always been one of those rare singer-songwriters who can actually sit down and perform a song perfectly in one take. I'm so glad this song was recorded that way, because it captures the 60s/70s color which has always been central to her appeal. Apparently this song is about how her friend Nouel serves as a sort of platonic muse. As somebody with a lot of songs about complicated muse dynamics, I really appreciate Laura Marling taking on that theme with a fresh perspective, as a straight woman writing about an inspiring woman.

09. Eric Slick - You Are Not Your Mind

This is one of those rare instances where the press angle about an album has actually given me some deep insight into the songwriting. Apparently Eric Slick wrote this album after working through a deep depression with meditation and Jungian therapy. As somebody who practices Jungian therapy and is six months into meditating, I'm naturally a fan of this album. But I find this song particularly touching, especially when he delivers the line "And all the pain, it isn't real."

10. John Mayer - Roll It On Home

I've always had a love-hate fascination with Mayer, but I appreciate that throughout his various hubristic downfalls, he's always been grounded by the humbling task of grabbing a guitar and trying to write a decent song. Production-wise, this might be the kitschiest track on a kitschy record, but I honestly love his nerdy affinity for the country form. The genre exercise seems to liberate him to write cleverer lyrics. My favorite line in this song: "The last ten texts were with your ex, and all of them were sent by you." All the more hilarious when you realize he's talking about Katy Perry (her again...).

11. Esperanza Spalding - the entirety of the EXPOSURE livestream

When Esperanza Spalding said she was going to record an album in 77 hours on Facebook live, I was slightly intrigued, but couldn't possibly begin to imagine how jaw-droppingly awesome it would be. Like many others, I became completely obsessed and had it playing in the background in my apartment for hours on end. The most striking thing was how calm and collected she was, despite having her entire creative process broadcast to thousands and thousands of people. I don't know what any of the songs are called but they were all incredibly inspiring, intricate creations and it was such a treat to see a master at work. Can't wait to hear the finished record.

[pacman-tattoo]

tell me about dem sims

alright so

i rly love sims. like, i constantly play selfsim games because wish fulfillment im bored and why not, its my game i can do whatever

and i dont remember how long it was after i had gotten city living, but i was just kinda playing around, enjoying living in apartments, fun stuff

and there’s one apartment in particular that has “gremlins” as one of the lot traits, so shit breaks and it’s basically fucking terrible to live in, so i was constantly either fixing shit or buying new shit

but i swear to fucking god that apartment was also cursed because all of a sudden, stuff was on fire. i don’t remember how or why but things were on fire, and me - like a complete dumbass who didn’t realize firefighters weren’t in sims 4 - just kinda shrugged it off like ‘hey, maybe i’ll see a hot firefighter’

so my sim is panicking outside her apartment alongside her neighbors (the rasoyas)

at some point i had just ended up sitting back, watching the apartment burn before my eyes as sims panicked because fuck cAN SOMEONE PUT OUT THIS FIRE

i think geeta (who’s like, an elder??? go geeta, fuckn wreck that fire) was the first one to run inside and make an attempt to put out the fire - and i’m just like ‘oh, maybe she’ll actually do it’

nope. she caught on fire. stood around and panicked.

then she died. i was laughing because HOLY FUCK SHE ACTUALLY DIED TRYING TO SAVE MY APARTMENT WHAT THE F UC K

raj ran in and he basically stood around and mourned and then panicked because WAIT FUCK THERE’S A FIRE

so then he catches on fire. i’m basically sitting here with my phone, recording shit on my snapchat going ‘oH MY GOD THEY’RE FUCKING DYING H E LP’

so basically raj then died. eventually i kinda shoved my selfsim into the apartment and was like ‘take care of this shit’

and she did and all was okay except for the fact two people fucking died

i think my sim had been trying to cook a grilled cheese or mac n cheese or something???

but it was hilarious at the time because i tend to just play games and earn money and basically fuck around, but i’ve never sat around and actively tried to kill sims or anything

anway it was a fun time. i moved her into a new apartment almost immediately and was like ‘okay well that happened goodbye world im done’

[clarste]

I’m not sure if this is a good time or a terrible time to announce this, but the Gensou Shoujo Taisen 3 (Fantasy Maiden Wars) patch is finally complete-ish! Translations of previous games in the series can be found here.

Honestly, it’s far from a complete patch, because there were a ton of things we were simply unable to change with our tools, but it’s got all the story dialog and that took a long time so I’m pretty proud of it. It’s also, uh, maybe a bit half-assed. But still! Read the readme please. Long rant about the game below.

For those who don’t know, FMW is your standard Touhou fangame that’s a clone of a more popular game, in this case Super Robot Wars. But it holds a special place in my heart because it actually tries to tell a story. Most of these sorts of games just come up with some random excuse plot like “Yukari did it” and don’t pay any attention to the story at all, satisfied to simply use Touhou characters.

But this series actually tries to retell the story of every game from EoSD through UFO (which was the latest game when they started, way back before 2010). I think they’ve been working on this for 9 years? Imagine writing the same fanfic for 9 years. All the changes that have happened in your life during that time. All the new canon that contradicts what you wrote but it’s too late to change. Wow.

Anyway, the game actually takes itself seriously. Not 100% of the time, obviously, but it tells a real honest-to-god story and I love that. I laughed, I cried. Seriously, this Touhou fangame made me cry. Three times. First when I played it in Japanese, again while I was translating it, and finally when I read it in English at the end. Maybe you won’t cry, maybe I’m just a softy, but I respect that in a story.

Is it perfect? Well, no, it has way too many characters and a lot of their most notable traits get drowned out by the rather generic “we should all put aside our differences and get along” story. Everyone has to join your party, which prevents them from retaining interesting motivations, and makes cutscenes take forever just so everyone can have a line (here’s to you, #1WriggleFan who cheers whenever Wriggle says “...”, this patch is dedicated to you. You were always in our hearts). There are even breast-size jokes here and there (heaven help us!). But I can forgive these flaws for being a game made by people who honestly care about Touhou and wanted to tell a good story.

There’s also a hilarious bug with Keine’s name. See, in the data files her portraits are all labeled as keine01 and such, and her Hakutaku form portraits are keineH01, etc. So when she transforms, the game literally runs a find/replace on the encrypted data files to change the name of every single bit of text from “keine” to “keineH”. This is hilarious on its own, but ultimately harmless in the Japanese version. However, when we changed her name from 慧音 to Keine in English, that means everyone’s dialog and stuff changes when she transforms. Which in my opinion will probably ruin some dramatic scenes, but come on, you have to admit that’s hilarious.

Also, rip nages.

Edit: The patch basically grew out of this LP, if you want to check that out. But the true Fantasy Maiden War is all the friends we made along the way.

[jessielefey]

Drakengard is kinda like the Legend Of Zelda, if everyone was just the absolute worst. A bunch of terrible people make multiple generations worth of terrible selfish choices, which eventually leads to them apocalypsing their own planet (with an invasion of giant flying cannibal babies, no that makes no more sense in context welcome to Taro's batshit storytelling), which leads to them accidentally apocalypsing *our* literal actual earth, thanks to Japan also making a terrible catastrophic unnecessary choice, and humanity going extinct because of a cascade failure of unforeseen circumstances in the only game in the whole series that feels like an actual heartbreaking tragedy instead of some kind of black farce, and being replaced by a culture built from the remains of the robots we built to help us fix it. Who then also frigging extinction eventing *themselves* in yet another series of terrible unnecessary catastrophic choices.

It'd be really depressing if it wasn't so funny, but Taro is very good at keeping it bleakly hilarious. Most games have a very Metal Gear if it was Berserk feel. Even nier, the actual tragic earnest one, has an entire running joke about stupid side quests where the characters all but berate you the player directly for boring them with pointless filler quests. The writing really is unfairly good for what's basically a series of sadistic acid-fueled shitposts in computer game form.

Drakengard 3 is Taro at his most pure, like, unhinged Rick And Morty. I won't tell you the whole plot, because there's a full forth wall break about halfway through that near drives Zero to an existential crisis before she remembers she's Zero and doesn't give a fuck, which is amazing. But your protagonist is Zero, the Princess Zelda of the story, if Zelda had the mouth of Trevor Belmont, the fighting skills of She-ra, the sex drive of a Witcher, and the personality of Rocket Raccoon if Marvel let him fuck. She's got a little literal-baby dragon as a sidekick for Reasons, who like baby Groot both is and is not the adult dragon partner Zero started out with who died earlier. They are trying to kill all Zero's sisters (who are less sisters and more like, um, if Pink Diamond could've split herself into horcruxes that became their own individual gems, instead of becoming Rose Quartz). Zero and her sisters are called Intoners, which is kinda like being bardic mages amped up to divine levels. In order to keep their magic intact, for Yoko Taro without someone telling him no Reasons, they each have a sex slave/soul mate/familiar. (But don't worry, it's... it's the least sexy sex focused plot I've ever seen; nothing happens on screen and it's blown into such like vaudeville camp levels as Zero goes around collecting the boys like a tsundere pokemon trainer that if I found out Taro is ace and just finds sex hilarious as a concept I would not be shocked).

Here's Mikhail and Zero.

If Eda gave this exact speech at some point, I wouldn't even blink.

And here's Octa's introduction. He's basically Gruncle Stan if Disney let him say and do the fuck. He is a pervy pervy old man, but in a way that's actually funny for a once, I think because the advances are welcomed. YMMV tho, he is the least favourite of the Disciples in fandom so far as I can tell, and I get why.

If you're bored and you just wanna explore Drakengard 3, this is my favourite let's player's playthrough. He's played the whole series so he's really good at pointing out references and explaining inter-game connections.

And tangentially this screenshot LP of the first game is legitimately an iconic and historically significant piece of web 1.0 meme culture and early let's plays, and also single-handedly the funniest shit I have ever read. I will literally sometimes do live readings of it, in a way I only ever do with it and the lolcat bible, because it's even funnier read out loud. If you want to actually get into the Drakengard franchise, starting here and reading this dude's LPs of the games in release order is still how I recommend people do it, and the LP series itself starts making its own meta-lore and I'm a sucker for that meta nonsense. It's very long though, ymmv depending on how well/fast you can read what's basically doorstop novels.

I just had a long thought train that eventually derailed itself on 'King is related to Michael the dragon from Drakengard 3". And now I want Eda and Zero to hang out. The profanity dropped would be such that the fabric of reality starts to unravel like the fuck episode of South Park. Eda could have a good night with one of the bird boys. Given her previous taste in husbands, Octa obviously.

And I'm choosing to make all that your problem now, enjoy!

I don't know a ton about Drakengard, but now I wanna know more 'cause Eda is really fun to imagine interacting with various characters. She just has such a distinct personality.

[hgfstreamchats]

Dark Skies

thenightetc Hello! Me Hello there! thenightetc If a "Zarla" knocks on the stream door, she's a friend of mine I told about the stream Me Got it. Bunny1532651036604 Hello! Me Hello there! ThebesAce Ah, there we go, didn't have username set thenightetc Spider! 😀

ThebesAce spide~ thenightetc BIG FLUFFY girl Me Poke. thenightetc omg Me A troublemaker. Bunny1532651492398 Yo thenightetc Hi! ThebesAce hallo! Bunny1532651492398 wow. i do not like this lol thenightetc Awwwww ThebesAce well then you came just as it ended. thenightetc So! what are we in for with this one? thenightetc So! what are we in for with this one? Me Something we can all agree is terrifying. Jalaperilo ill only be here for a bit. still not 100% and also, not the biggest horror fan thenightetc Ohhh boy Me It's the quality of our shared horror experience that counts, not the quantity. thenightetc Very true. Me It's a good one if you don't care for horror. Short on gore, high on aliens. Jalaperilo i like old horror. From beyond, braindead. alien horror seems cool Me Never seen either of those! Are they good? thenightetc ...Is he watching porn ThebesAce yep Jalaperilo yes! Braindead is an early Peter Jackson film and From beyond is from the same director that did reanimator (and has a few recourring characters) thenightetc *relieved that the "schoolgirl" appears to be at least 30* Me Oooh! ThebesAce oh man, I remember Braindead! That movie gets so gross Jalaperilo ikr? so fun ThebesAce especially the bits with the priest Jalaperilo but i do think if you've never see them, watch reanimator and from beyond Me I do like Reanimator. thenightetc I've never seen it 😮 Jalaperilo people injecting bright green liquid and sending them crazy? lots of practice with that huh? Me Naturally! ThebesAce oh, Knockout, I have a wiki page for purposes of future so-bad-it's-hilarious movie nights Me Do tell! ThebesAce https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Syfy_original_films a complete list of Syfy Original movies thenightetc Well, that can't be good ThebesAce well, not 100% complete, but enough for entertainment Me Beautiful! thenightetc Well, that's productive Me That'll help something. thenightetc ...What. ThebesAce This is a thing that is happening thenightetc I'm unsettled Jalaperilo wasnt this a thing in ppoltergeist? the chairs being put on the table thenightetc At this point it's definitely beyond what a raccoon or something could accomplish Me At any rate, time to switch planets. Jalaperilo I WISH I COULD GO LIVE ON ANOTHER PLANET sorry, didnt means caps Me It was a sentiment worth yelling. Jalaperilo she drank can we just watch the sharks? thenightetc his terrible edifice of lies ThebesAce "I didn't lie. If I lied, I'd be the asshole here. So I didn't lie." SOUNDS LEGIT thenightetc Ha! Jalaperilo "i didnt lie" i said,you know, like a lier Me Hah! thenightetc Right? Jalaperilo this is more terrifying than anything else, an alarm going off in the middle of the night. happens to me too many times thenightetc Ohhhh dear Now go check the kitchen. ...Okay! That's fucked up Jalaperilo 'cause its the one thing you cant replace' lots of john mulaney shit happening lol ThebesAce HA Me Plot twist: John Mulaney was behind all of this. Jalaperilo ha! Jalaperilo i hate kids in horror. even if theyre not at fault, theyre al so creepy thenightetc So he's wrecking his kid's room because of a dream. Jalaperilo i hate this man thenightetc Yeah. ThebesAce I detect an arrogant asshat who makes everything about himself Jalaperilo lets see how he handles this thenightetc uh Me That's how I react whenever something leaks on my anatomy. Jalaperilo even breakdown? Me Especially Breakdown. thenightetc Poor bird. hey what the fuck! Maybe just LET the bank foreclose Jalaperilo i dont understand whats going on. like what is the bad things power? Me Childish pranks and an impassioned hatred of birds. ThebesAce birds are pretty easy to hate Jalaperilo maybe theyve seen birdemic Me Maybe let the bank take the boy, too. thenightetc What did he say? I couldn't quite hear The kid, I mean Jalaperilo he said im a creepy ass boy Me "Then I wasn't me anymore." thenightetc ...Ohhh Jalaperilo big mood thenightetc I keep expecting jumpscares Jalaperilo does no one turn the lights on? thenightetc ...HE didn't trigger the alarm when he went out ThebesAce We are officially in 'get him to an institution' territory. thenightetc So he definitely has some kind of implant or something, huh Or something laid eggs in his skin Jalaperilo or a slight allergy o his new shampoo thenightetc *facepalm* Me No, don't reward him for that! Jalaperilo fucking cliche as shit 'if a boy is mean he just likes you' fuck off and get in the sea ThebesAce right? thenightetc dude not the time Me "Let's do it while the aliens are watching." Jalaperilo sorry thebes, i keep reading your name as The besace as if it rhymes with vesace lol ThebesAce pfff well go ahead if it amuses you~ Jalaperilo that is my internal nick name for you now, thenightetc Of course they can fuck up cameras. Me In the most artistically haunting way possible, of course. thenightetc ...Kinda looks like they were going to each room in turn, too oh no Me I like how they just let her do that. Jalaperilo someone didnt wash her makeup off thenightetc Jesus Jalaperilo oh shit, it was real Me "Search" thenightetc Heh. "chosen" ThebesAce The graaays We got the Vok, but you got the grays. Jalaperilo how come most of the aliens out there are wither chill or war like, but the grays are the only creepy ass ones? ThebesAce oh, that's easy. They're trying decide between the two. thenightetc "thank god because I just lost mine" ThebesAce nothin' creepier than an unknown thenightetc oh jeez hope neither of them gets possessed during-- Me Or alternatively, both of them get possessed during and it qualifies as an orgy. thenightetc lights, get the lights ThebesAce I've read more than one story that works on that logic. Just now you'd throw in the grays thenightetc goddamn uh FUCK Me That's the only part of this movie that gets me. Jalaperilo turn on the goddamn lights!!! ThebesAce oh my god that's not how that works Jalaperilo well, im gonna go try to sleep, but its still 22 degrees C here with 76% humidity so i dunno how well ill sleep thenightetc yikes... good luck ThebesAce good luck with that friend! Me Good luck! Have a gray-free sleep! Jalaperilo i will tell you, today it rained for the first time in 55 days here asnd even then it was only 5 minutes so yeah. bad times in SE England if the grays have AC, ill let them take me ThebesAce yargh--I lived in London for a while, sounds like a nightmare thenightetc *shudder* Jalaperilo night! ThebesAce night! thenightetc "hey jackass, you got out of bed , walked out into the yard, and started leaking blood without knowing anything about it" Uh Jesus ThebesAce the straights are at it again thenightetc I THINK the orange tip means it's a fake gun But I'm not ENTIRELY sure Me There's a mood. thenightetc ...jesus really, why WOULDN'T he think they did it ...did she just start crying blood? thenightetc oh god oh no FUCK ThebesAce WELL THEN PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE Me And only three. No more, no less. thenightetc Three shall be the number of aliens,a nd the number of the aliens shall be three ThebesAce This is so weird watching this outdated science considering we just elected our first lizardman president. Me Hah! thenightetc Taking ol' Lincoln out of his chair Me Taking him on a joyride around the galaxy, snapping pictures on alien planets. Me Not very well, clearly. thenightetc he says that like he's *shudder8 thenightetc ...So... does he have any tips on "fighting", or...? ThebesAce BET THE GRAYS GOT TO HIS FRIENDS thenightetc Well, if they're lucky, they might "move on" to their friends.... "give him my eyes" Me Give him a few organs you don't need. thenightetc ...they've kind of... already shown they can get anywhere in the house Me "Don't split up." "Let's do exactly that!" thenightetc FUCK NOPE ThebesAce DON'T SPLIT THE PARTY thenightetc oh god oh god ThebesAce welllllll hell thenightetc ah. So Sammy wasn' tthe first one they contacted. Me Surprise! thenightetc and it just leaves it there!!! Me That it does! ThebesAce well then. That... went wrong for everyone involved to say the least Me Literally nothing went right. thenightetc don't like that, no sir yeah I noticed the Apple product placement there not the long list of others though Me Well, there we are! thenightetc Could we... watch something a little lighter to top it off? Little mood whiplash? Me Absolutely! Any requests? thenightetc Nothing I can think of thenightetc Ahhhh, 900 numbers targetting kids! Me This is what you get when you leave my to my own devices. thenightetc Of course, now we have pay-to-win phone games thenightetc I wonder what happened if you called the number ThebesAce Could be worse. Could be the Wow Wow Wibble Woggle Wazzie Woodle Woo Me You become the next Freddy Freaker. thenightetc Scary! "Vines that butter my croissant" *squints* Ooooo! Ooooo! ThebesAce this reminds me, I gotta snag me the new Jurassic Park game. It lets you let giant carnivores loose wherever the hell you want thenightetc Oh gosh I saw the most amazing Planet Coaster LP, but it's way too long (Over an hour, at least) Me Link? Maybe we'll watch it one of these nights! thenightetc Let me see if I can find it again... I'm sure I can, just gimme a minute thenightetc ...I come back and everything's on fire! thenightetc Alright, so, it's more like eight hours total, but anyway here's part 1 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QstYje84DaM for your amusement thenightetc So it's uh more of a slow burn Oh wow Me I'm intrigued! thenightetc PFFFF thenightetc I looked it up and that kind of thing isn't really enforceable ThebesAce I recognized that cartoon thing. That was the Land Before Time ripoff they show when they can't get the rights for Land Before Time thenightetc HA Me It's delightfully horrifying. Me I think that's a good place to close for tonight! ThebesAce agreed, thanks for having us! thenightetc Yes And thank you! Wait Could you... hover over that third one The "top 100" thing Aha Thanks, I just wanted to see what that was Me Not a problem! Thank you all for coming, as always! thenightetc I didn't know GTA had a bulldozer thing to shove people off a board Me I didn't either until exactly this second. ThebesAce no, no, that's just to emphasize the fail it's GTA V compilation they do not have those graphics thenightetc I mean, ThebesAce whoop, got you might have been joking, my brain skipped there thenightetc I kind of want to know where they got that art though Anyway! Goodnight, and thanks again. ThebesAce good night! Thanks! Me Good night!

[pharaohsparklefists]

Episode 88, part 2: time for some bullshit to drag a card game out too long!

(part 1, which actually occurs in the middle of the episode, is here)

For some reason, we’re still dragging through the absolutely thrilling and suspenseful duel that is Villain’s Sidekick vs Guy Who Always Comes Third-ish. And we’re also still dragging through Terrible Liar Pretends To Be Good Liar as Rishid miserably attempts to be Malik-ish. #insertMalikISHtarjokehere

Yami is definitely on to him, but he has no proof. 

So far all the evidence has been “He’s being suspiciously less-dickish-than-we-thought”. I don’t know why Malik thought Rishid would make a good him. He must know Rishid is not brilliant at pretending to be him?

Anyway Malik has an ace up Rishid’s sleeve; a fake Ra card. Now, you might ask, why give him a fake when he could just give him the real thing? But actually, the real question is, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK??, because...

... they’ve actually made, like dozens of fake Ra cards...

... and the reason they don’t use them is because they FUCKING KILL PEOPLE. They’re just fucking deathtraps. If you play one, you have an unknown - but distressingly high - chance of being struck by lightning, cast down upon your foolish mortal form by the Gods themselves as punishment for your hubris in calling upon forces you were not meant to wield. 

And Malik just gave one to Rishid to play with a sort of “hope this doesn’t kill you, I’m reasonably sure it won’t because you seem like the kinda guy the Gods would be cool with? idk anyway good luck”

“Also God might randomly kill me if I try so we’ll call it Plan B.”

And it turns out, Rishid is correct and Malik is a fucking overreacting bullshit artist but let’s let it play out.

Rishid’s giant tomb card makes the whole thing look like a particularly weird glitch in the Sims:

Cheat codes are definitely being used.

Right, so, Rishid has this giant angry scorpion thing that eats other Monsters, which is hella useful and also looks hilarious because it starts taking on some of the devoured Monsters characteristics so it’s this big scary Monster with cute fairy wings now.

(They’re actually insect wings, from Insect Queen, but they look like fairy wings to me.) (Also hilarious; eating the Fisherman and his whale separately.)

Jounouchi has nothing left to defend himself and the gang fret, especially Mai, but Yami points out that Jounouchi himself isn’t upset and he’s right. Jou says he’s been thinking about the pier duel, when Malik forced him to duel Yugi to the attempted-homicide. 

“Rude...”

Is NO ONE looking at how suspiciously ~Namu~ reacts to any mention of Malik. Who other than Malik would POUT at Malik being called a bastard?

The point Jounouchi’s trying to make? He’s copped on:

Yami is pleased; he’s been thinking the same thing for like, an episode and a half now. But then he realises: if this isn’t Malik...

But ~~WHERE~~??~~

Definitely not TWO METRES BEHIND YOU and pouting.

The duel is coming from inside the blimp.

#HISFACETHO

“Malik’s grimace is adorable” is probably not the message I’m supposed to take from this dramatic moment, but here we are. Also, way to look suspicious, buddy. Like ~Namu~ should definitely look confused and perhaps slightly worried or affronted if ~Yugi~ just suddenly turned and gave him hella side-eye, but Malik grimaces (adorably but) in a really “damn, you got me!” kinda way.

But before Yami can say anything! (Not that this should have stopped him, really.)

Rishid escalates and whips out...

Still REALLY want to know how they made the fake Rod. My headcanon is that it’s papier mâché and until I see canon material to refute it, that’s what I’m sticking with.

And again, WHY. Wouldn’t it be much simpler to just give Rishid the real Rod and Ra card?? If Malik trusts him, which he does, what’s the problem?

So Rishid waves his papier mâché Millennium Item around and sets his giant scorpion to attack Jounouchi, who, may I remind the court, has NO cards in front of him and nothing to activate, and I forget how many LP he has left but I guarantee it’s fewer than 5825, which is how much Mr Scorpion - now with added fish tail - has ATK.

And Jounouchi’s even kinda cool with it? He’s not delighted, but they both fought a good fight and duelled a good duel, they laughed (not really) they cried (a little) they’re better friends now (technically).

But.

But then.

But then THIS.

THIS asshole.

[titleknown]

Good Youtubers Bachelorpost!

Okay, given the Youtube Drama Kefuffle I’ve seen, I might as well blog with my own list of Youtubers-you-might-not’ve-heard-of-who-aren’t-butthorns, inspired by @jonjafarifanclub’s list which was boosted by @knittinggiantbeanies , both o whom you should check out,

That bein said, I’ll avoid repeating the YTers they mentioned and try and mention a few I know of. Namely:

ReallyFreakin Clever: Does good vids about game design and the MST3K-for-games-esque “Things Wrong With” series, and while he does slip up from time to time, he does try to be a decent person, and he even did call Pewdo & Mark out on their bullshit during that incident.

Jordanunderneath: A cool dude who reviews obscure horror titles, and is very open in talking about his own mental health issues. Also, he dresses up in funny makeup sometimes and did one of the best summations of horror fandom I’ve ever seen.

DeceasedCrab: One of the first Lets Players on Youtube, some of y’all younger might not know about him, but he’s very funny; likeable; and shows off a lot of cool underrated games you might not’ve heard of! Heck, he’s one of the major reasons La-Mulana got popular!

ChuggaaConroy and MasaeAnela- Putting the two together because they work together a lot of times and have a similar LP-ing style, but they mostly do Nintendo & “Cartoony” games and they’ve got chipper, sweet personalities!

TheHungryReader- A friend o mine who reviews children’s books, and is really; really good at it! Highlights include his ongoing look at the Oz series, his Creepypasta adaptation The Game of Mush, his video on the parabylic Terrible Things and his “pitches” for a non-terrible Transformers movie and Transformers spinoff lines!

Isle of Rangoon: Do you like puppets and riffing? Well, this channel’s about puppets riffing on things, specifically shorts from the public domain! There’s also a thing one of the members is doing making fun of the hilariously-bad TV show Deadly Games, so that’s great too!

SnomanGaming: Not only a great analyst of game design, but also does a cool segment on various Freeware you can find and play!

NitroRad: This dude does a lot o different subjects, but his bread and butter is 3d platformers, of the kind that went nigh-extinct around the PS3/Xbox360 generation, especially the obscure ones!

Ronnie Edwards: Don’t be fooled by the fact he’s attached to the otherwise-abysmal Game Theorists’ channel (Or the fact that his most recent vid title mentions that one idiot from before the scandal), he’s smarter than the other bozos on there put together, and his show Digressing and Sidequesting is an amazing series on game design from all angles; albeit sadly infrequent in updates due to him being stuck working for MatPat/Sphincter Von Fuckface. Maybe with more support for him we could change that...

bluworm: A really cool dude doing stop-motion in the vein of Harryhausen, but with a lot more HP Lovecraft adaptations! Also check out Counter656 and, if you’re not too squeamish regarding gore, LeeHardcastle if you want more stop-motion!

And, that’s what I got for now!

[thingsareswinging]

Four Youtube Channels I Like, And You Might Like Too

1- Super Bunnyhop

A fellow named George who is probably best known for his close readings of the Metal Gear Solid games. Used to be a bit of a Videos About Whatever Games channel, has steadily morphed into something more professional. Good if you like in-depth examinations of the literary themes of Metal Gear, or thoughtful examinations of game mechanics.

Cons: updates once a week, his topic of the week is very much ‘whatever interests him that week’ a la most editorial journalism.

Pros: clear, fair examinations of genuinely interesting if quite niche topics pertaining to video games, has never pretended to be a Nazi to get attention.

2- Good Mythical Morning

A daily ‘talk show’ styled channel, featuring two technically adult men who spend ten minutes a day talking about entirely frivolous stuff, and semi-regularly subjecting themselves to eating something objectively disgusting. They’re old hands at this internet business, and have got pretty good at saying nonsense into a camera.

Cons: determinedly apolitical, occasionally a little bit What Up Fellow Teens.

Pros: determinedly apolitical, updates every week day without fail, light and charming, have never pretended to be Nazis to get attention.

3- hello i am dan

 A bit of an anomaly on this list, in that they nowadays post uploads of twitch streams they have done. Nevertheless, I would recommend dani’s channel if you like having something long playing in the background while you do other stuff, because their videos are absolutely charming. They have bumbled their way through the Dark Soulses 2 & 3, as well as games like Undertale and Zero Time Dilemma, with a bunch of friends, generally just having a nice time. If you think you might like to see three very confused people blunder around in the dark for half an hour looking for a witch hat, this is the sort of content for you. If you dig far enough back in their archives you will also find a whole host of LPs they did back in the day, which are worth the price of admission on their own.

Cons: recent videos are like three hours long each, you might not appreciate the references to 90s eurotrash dance hits as much as I do.

Pros: I  W A N T  T O  E N J O Y  T U G B O A T, has never pretended to be a Nazi to get attention

4- Jerma985/2ndJerma

A classic BNF in the Team Fortress 2 community, to the point where, being a pointy-chinned Bostonian, Valve literally named the Scout after him in the most recent comic, Jerma985 is the most perfect distillation of what I look for in a comic. He’s completely committed to being ridiculous, and never in a malicious way- he’s 1/4 pure nonsense to 3/4 pratfalls. Has, in the words of one of his friends, the ability to make literally anything absolutely hilarious. I still, after many years, have no idea if he is actually any good at computer games or not. Two channels- Jerma885 is his original channel, and where he puts his more high-effort videos these days, and 2ndJerma is where he uploads ten-minute stream highlights. Both are very, very funny.

Cons: terrible at videogames

Pros: terrible at videogames, has never pretended to be a Nazi to get attention